childhood

I want to shrink to exist

Solely in the broad, brown west entrance stairwell of Connaught School

Where the primary kids climbed to their classrooms

And we took piano lessons in the rooms to the side

 

Between the playground where I got stuck on a skipping rope I was using to climb a slide

And no one helped me and I lay there for ages as the yard cleared

Until I finally realized I could just climb myself up

 

And the classroom where I want to paste all the things

And was afraid of everyone except my teacher

And then of her, when he told me to dial down the pasting

 

Ashamed explorer, scared achiever, trembling endless will to master

I want to live in the stairwell alone

Before, after and within my humiliations

And the feeling of being alone in a crowd

Here, I am just alone

And I can remember all the books read to me

And the books I’m going to read